The beginning

Well here I am. I’ve wanted to create a blog for some time now and I’ve finally done it. Anyways for those that are curious here is a little background.

My name is Carlee and I’m 33 years old. I have an 8 year old daughter, Lily, who is my world. I also have a loving boyfriend and life, while uneventful, is good. But it wasn’t always.

You see.. when I was about 13 I had lost my mother rather suddenly. She had to go to the hospital for some testing and after a few weeks became severely ill and passed away. Forever the moment of my dad coming home to hug me and my brother to tell us that she was gone will always remain in my memories. The scream my brother let out and the tears that flowed from everyone… everyone except me. I was frozen, numb, unable to truly understand what my dad had just told us. Days after that were a blur. I didn’t go to her funeral because I’m extremely introverted and didn’t want to be around all these people I did not know.

Anyways life moved on..and I, like I always have, internalized my feelings and pushed forward.

Fast forward to 2010..

I had my daughter Lily and just a few months later her dad left. He waited until I was already at work…text me that he could not do this anymore, and left. I can’t say that I was surprised as I knew things were rocky so I let it go. Around the same time I was also going through post pardum depression. Again I internalized sucked it up and moved on.

Now we’re in 2016. I had just lost my job after working there for almost a decade. I was upset but I thought I was in love.. And we had decided we wanted to have a baby. We were both excited at the thought and when I had a feeling I was pregnant I went to grab a test and see the results. At first I thought it was negative but after looking very closely I could’ve sworn I had a faint positive. I had a doctor’s appointment coming up anyways so I was just going to mention it when I went. However maybe to days later I had this cramping in my abdomen. I couldn’t move. I thought maybe I was dehydrated or something. It got so bad my neighbor had to come help me and tell me that I needed to sit up and drink or they were talking me to the hospital. Given that’s where my mother had died I obviously have missed feelings when it comes to going to the hospital. So I sat up and drank a bunch of fluids and started to feel better. Whenever I tried to sit myself up my shoulders hurt but I didn’t really pay mind to it. The next morning I was still hurting so my dad and at the time boyfriend took me to the ER.

Once there a dozen different nurses came in to check what may be wrong. Keep in mind at this point I hadn’t mentioned the possibility of being pregnant to my dad but eventually I had to mention it. They drew urine for a pregnancy test and sure enough I was. However it was in my falopian tube and at this point the tube had ruptured. So in that same instance I was told they had to do emergency surgery to remove the pregnancy. I was so out of it from being in pain that I didn’t have time to mentally process what was going on. I just wanted the pain to go away.

Once the surgery was finished and I was sent home, again, I had that numb feeling. It took me weeks to be able to walk and move around like normal and yet again I internalized isolated myself and pushed forward.

However, that was my breaking point. I finally realized then that something was wrong. I called my doctor on my birthday and said that I think I have depression.

When I had my appointment I barely got two sentences in before I just started sobbing. I was prescribed something and that was that.

The boyfriend at the time had broken up with me that following Valentine’s day and I was at my lowest point. I thought he was the one and that I would never love another, but then Shawn came into my life.

Anyways I think I’ve went on about my past long enough. This is why I’m here.

The other day after I got out of the shower I stopped and looked at the mirror. For the first time in a long time I just stared at myself. Rather than focusing on how much weight I’ve put on it how many new stretch marks have appeared I saw a body that has been through hell. I saw a warrior. I have been down for SO long I forgot how to love myself. To appreciate my past experiences but not let them define me.

This year for me is about self love and gaining confidence. This is the start of my journey. I plan to update this often with my experiences so stay tuned. This is Carlee Positivity signing off.